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Showing posts with the label self improvement

A flaw in how society works

I think I finally realized why I hate existance so much. Its the perpetual monotony of it all. We wake up everyday go to work, exercise, eat and sleep.

Everyday. the. same. thing.

It just repeats over and over and when we finally and free of this vicious cycle we are old amd gray and less able to go see what's out there in the world. I struggle to find joy in that concept.  I don't want a 30 year mortgage to carry on my degenerating shoulders, I don't want a giant mansion with a maid and lawn service I have to pay thru the nose just to be able to handle chores. I am not even someone who want to be a farmer and run out to the countryside and buy land to live off of. I just want a healthy balance, to not be terribly deep in the mundane crap heap of corporate america. You have to tell me friend(I'm calling you that now since I have none irl), do you really want to slave away your whole life for what basically amounts to paying for your headstone while your rugrats fight …

Fibromyalgia induced depression is a bitch...

I can't help but feel like the depression that comes along with fibromyalgia has to be one of the worst forms of depression there is. In fact, I think it deserves its own classification within the spectrum of depression. One does not escape the painful and cutting feeling that fibromyalgia gives you, and you wouldn't believe how easy doctor's buy into you faking you aren't depressed. It's super easy to get out of actually having to deal with it in an adult fashion and get the psychological help you really need. To be frank, I wish that they made you go to therapy as a mandatory part of your treatment. I wish they had specially trained therapists that specifically deal with fibromyalgia patients. If you're in the same boat as me, you already know what colors your crazy flag has, you've accepted that your off and you know exactly why you have the problems you have. I cannot be the only one who has developer an anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive tendencie…

I've had an epiphany, so my quest begins...

Hi stranger,

I have come to a realization today in my morning panic attack on the way to work. My self-loathing isnt just the ugly little gremlin that rides on my shoulder and says mean things to me all day long. It makes other people dislike me too, and is probably one of the reasons I have no real friends or family members that will listen to me and help me figure out how I shouldd navigate life when I can't do a lot of physically or mentally demanding task. I need to get rid of the gremlin, I need to get rid of the current very pathetic,sobbing,smelly me. I need to change and i want to change, and I refuse to do it by taking  more medications then I already have to cram down my throat. I will find some lifestyle that I can manage to hold together and today is the day I start doing something about it.

I don't know if you are there or not stranger but if you are, gosh golly please root for me to succeed with this big transformation. At the very least do it because you hope t…

The internet said talking could help...

Hi strangers,
 I once tried this blogging thing before but lost the motivation to keep at it. I find it very hard to be motivated...and cheerful...and not suicidal. But that isn't really my fault, I have a very complicated existance, yea it isn't what I'd call a life. To me I think life is something that is supposed to be happy so I honestly refuse to say i have one. I can't seem to find joy in anything. My current job is impossible, I can't seem to do anything right the first time around, I'm probably underqualified and need to consider new options. But I am physically and mentally limited because I have very severe fibromyalgia, and symptomatic hip dysplasia. I can't honestly remember what I said five seconds ago and my stuttering stumble for words makes everyone think I'm an idiot. Needless to say I have been depressed for many years, despite the lies I tell to my doctors. I just don't really have the time or money to be put in an asylum and for…