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Showing posts with the label sadness

The internet was right...

Dear Strangers,

As it turns out I am so thoroghly invisible online and in real life this has actually become very therapeutic for me. Writing this blog as whiny and pissy as I sound in every entry actually makes me feel a ton better when I do it. The best part is that I haven't even aroused the attention of the internet trolls yet. It is a beautiful thing to be able to just right shit out and not have anyone bitch at me for expressing my feelings. My deeply agonizing crippling feels...I still have no friends if you couldn't tell.
 I am still a pretty crappy person too i guess. My Bae as the kids these days say does not think i am a nice person, still loves me they say but I am not nice according to them. I honestly can't blame them for thinking like this, I'm the kinda asshole who leaves 1 dollar tips at restaurants because I don't want to break a twenty. I will not lend anyone my car, and I am entirely uninterested in forcing myself to converse with Bae's fr…

A flaw in how society works

I think I finally realized why I hate existance so much. Its the perpetual monotony of it all. We wake up everyday go to work, exercise, eat and sleep.

Everyday. the. same. thing.

It just repeats over and over and when we finally and free of this vicious cycle we are old amd gray and less able to go see what's out there in the world. I struggle to find joy in that concept.  I don't want a 30 year mortgage to carry on my degenerating shoulders, I don't want a giant mansion with a maid and lawn service I have to pay thru the nose just to be able to handle chores. I am not even someone who want to be a farmer and run out to the countryside and buy land to live off of. I just want a healthy balance, to not be terribly deep in the mundane crap heap of corporate america. You have to tell me friend(I'm calling you that now since I have none irl), do you really want to slave away your whole life for what basically amounts to paying for your headstone while your rugrats fight …

Fibromyalgia induced depression is a bitch...

I can't help but feel like the depression that comes along with fibromyalgia has to be one of the worst forms of depression there is. In fact, I think it deserves its own classification within the spectrum of depression. One does not escape the painful and cutting feeling that fibromyalgia gives you, and you wouldn't believe how easy doctor's buy into you faking you aren't depressed. It's super easy to get out of actually having to deal with it in an adult fashion and get the psychological help you really need. To be frank, I wish that they made you go to therapy as a mandatory part of your treatment. I wish they had specially trained therapists that specifically deal with fibromyalgia patients. If you're in the same boat as me, you already know what colors your crazy flag has, you've accepted that your off and you know exactly why you have the problems you have. I cannot be the only one who has developer an anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive tendencie…

I can't believe I'm actually making progress...

Hi Stranger,

I am actually very surprised with myself, this last week I set a bunch of goals for myself to do some things that might make my life better. I wasn't so sure that I'd get to them since I'm very flakey with my resolve and I sure as hell didn't share my list with anyone I actually know. They just tend to be too motivated and stress me out when I tell them I have some ambition so its better not to let them know when I want to make a life change. But anyway, to my surprise I actually got off my ass and scheduled my dermatologist visit to remove some moles, gave my hair a trim AND I applied for some new jobs. I feel like I'm being productive at the moment which almost makes me happy-ish. Don't get me wrong though, I don't think this is the end all to my problems with life, just a surprisingly good start to some really important fixes I need to make.  My boss quit today too, so I guess I won't have a giant pain in my butt yelling at me for a sma…

I've had an epiphany, so my quest begins...

Hi stranger,

I have come to a realization today in my morning panic attack on the way to work. My self-loathing isnt just the ugly little gremlin that rides on my shoulder and says mean things to me all day long. It makes other people dislike me too, and is probably one of the reasons I have no real friends or family members that will listen to me and help me figure out how I shouldd navigate life when I can't do a lot of physically or mentally demanding task. I need to get rid of the gremlin, I need to get rid of the current very pathetic,sobbing,smelly me. I need to change and i want to change, and I refuse to do it by taking  more medications then I already have to cram down my throat. I will find some lifestyle that I can manage to hold together and today is the day I start doing something about it.

I don't know if you are there or not stranger but if you are, gosh golly please root for me to succeed with this big transformation. At the very least do it because you hope t…

When you try to make lemonade with life's lemons

If you have no sugar, then the lemonade is really just watery lemon juice. I can't imagine how this is supposed to be a motivational phrase for people. I mean I get the point is supposed to be making something pleasant from something sour and gross,  but honestly what if you can't afford the sugar to make it less gross. The same goes for life to be honest, what do you do when you can't afford to leave your shitty job and can't try because you work 80 hour weeks? Or conversely, what if you are disabled enough not to be able to keep a job but the government doesn't classify you as disabled enough to need a disability check. Yes, this conversation has just taken a turn. Today I am going to complain about how hard fibromyalgia makes it to support any decent standard of living independency.

I have had fibromyalgia for about 7 years now  and I was born with bilateral hip dysplacia but no one caught it till just 2 years ago when I became symptomatic. I already am inevita…

The internet said talking could help...

Hi strangers,
 I once tried this blogging thing before but lost the motivation to keep at it. I find it very hard to be motivated...and cheerful...and not suicidal. But that isn't really my fault, I have a very complicated existance, yea it isn't what I'd call a life. To me I think life is something that is supposed to be happy so I honestly refuse to say i have one. I can't seem to find joy in anything. My current job is impossible, I can't seem to do anything right the first time around, I'm probably underqualified and need to consider new options. But I am physically and mentally limited because I have very severe fibromyalgia, and symptomatic hip dysplasia. I can't honestly remember what I said five seconds ago and my stuttering stumble for words makes everyone think I'm an idiot. Needless to say I have been depressed for many years, despite the lies I tell to my doctors. I just don't really have the time or money to be put in an asylum and for…