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Fibromyalgia induced depression is a bitch...

I can't help but feel like the depression that comes along with fibromyalgia has to be one of the worst forms of depression there is. In fact, I think it deserves its own classification within the spectrum of depression. One does not escape the painful and cutting feeling that fibromyalgia gives you, and you wouldn't believe how easy doctor's buy into you faking you aren't depressed. It's super easy to get out of actually having to deal with it in an adult fashion and get the psychological help you really need. To be frank, I wish that they made you go to therapy as a mandatory part of your treatment. I wish they had specially trained therapists that specifically deal with fibromyalgia patients. If you're in the same boat as me, you already know what colors your crazy flag has, you've accepted that your off and you know exactly why you have the problems you have. I cannot be the only one who has developer an anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive tendencies and just horrible suffocating depression. To me, I don't see how you can have fibromyalgia and not have some degree of these types of mental ailments. Anyone who has fibro and is reading this can back me up I bet. We live our lives knowing we are essentially doomed to mind blowing amounts of pain for as long as we live. Depressing? Hell yea that is! But that isn't the end of it. The anxiety comes in and pimp slaps you across the face with fun thoughts. If you have fibro you cannot tell me that it hasn't once come across your mind how much of a burden you feel you are to your family, if your younger how you'll find someone to love and accept you when you can't even go up a flight of stairs without stopping midway to hold in the tears from the splintering pain in your legs. The fact that you are terrified about how long you'll be able to hold a job because even though they try your friends and family aren't going to help you pay the meds or rent and you aren't apparently disabled enough to get help from organizations or the government. If you are a disability org worker I say shame on you!  It is profiling to say we aren't disabled enough, who are you to say that just cause someone can walk and talk in mostly normal fashion that we aren't janked up, lots of us over here can't even hold a pencil and you say we too healthy? C'mon! I forget my point here... but its messed up! The other part of the depression you get with fibromyalgia is when you start to realize no one really gives a crap about you, when they get mad cause you forget things they find important, when they act nice but never help you, when you hear them talk crap and pity you when they think you aren't in earshot. It does things to you, and you just start wondering why you even still bother trying. No one appreciates your effort to do better, to be there for them, to try not to burden them. You never stop hearing criticism, and at least for me it makes things worst. But all the same, it leads to hopeless desperation, I can not remember a time now where I didn't wish I could leave everything behind and total isolate myself. But its fruitless thoughts because I am too sick to live alone. I can't keep house, I don't know how long I'll be able to work, and I don't think I'll ever have someone in my life that understands me and doesn't get angry when I can't do simple stupid things or when I forget what we just talked about and need reminding. The fog fibromyalgia causes leads to forgetting and then to the OCD. It's not avoidable you keys must be here, I must walk up the stairs sideways like a crab and down like a soldier walking a minefield, and the garage light must be flicked up and down twice. Reasoning? Pain and forgetfulness. Do I know I look like a freak to everyone? yes. Do I care at this point? not one bit. Do I get too angry when people screw with my routine? Definitely! But I gladly found out I'm not the only one who shares my medical issue that does. Evidently, chronic pain makes you more likely to get snippy with people. Who knew that your temper gets shorter when your pain levels are high? How silly, its almost like figuring out that prolonged pain makes you less likely to retain memories. Oh wait, that all actually makes perfect sense... Anyway today's post is brought to you by my latest panic depression attack. Its like a regular panic attack, except with more self loathing and hysterical crying in the closet. I feel better now that I wrote stuff, thanks internet for the anxiety advice. It is shit cause I still have anxiety but not shit cause I distracted myself enough to calm down. Peace out, If you relate tell me your story so and we can both bask in the not crazy feels or whateve...

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