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The internet said talking could help...

Hi strangers,
 I once tried this blogging thing before but lost the motivation to keep at it. I find it very hard to be motivated...and cheerful...and not suicidal. But that isn't really my fault, I have a very complicated existance, yea it isn't what I'd call a life. To me I think life is something that is supposed to be happy so I honestly refuse to say i have one. I can't seem to find joy in anything. My current job is impossible, I can't seem to do anything right the first time around, I'm probably underqualified and need to consider new options. But I am physically and mentally limited because I have very severe fibromyalgia, and symptomatic hip dysplasia. I can't honestly remember what I said five seconds ago and my stuttering stumble for words makes everyone think I'm an idiot. Needless to say I have been depressed for many years, despite the lies I tell to my doctors. I just don't really have the time or money to be put in an asylum and force fed medication that makes me a vegetable. I find the fact that if you tell someone you are majorly depressed the automatic reaction is to put you on suicide watch all locked up or to treat them different than normal even if you already were nice, cause that will definitely make them want to live more. But back to my point. I am depressed, I googled how to cope with depression, it said to try to spend more time with family and friends and that writing things down could help me work thru my problems. I am poor and probably out of a job soon so I figured why the hell not, no one reads blogs anymore. If you actually made it thru this dribble i commend you for how much freetime you have to be so bored that you find this interesting. To be clear, I am so depressed that I am pass the point of taking the easyway out and more at a point of bitter self loathing. My existance itself is enough punishment for me so I see no need to add more pain amd suffering even if itd be temporary. So don't be crazy and go reporting me.I am have a stable kind of depression that has lasted 9 years. I ain't doing nothing crazy even if the thoughts pop by. There is a difference between active and passive thoughta mine are very passive and like I mentioned the funnyfarm would only make more sadness. Just saying on the off chance someone reads this. I am leaving it open cause I couldn't. care less about people seeing my deep thoughts.  I am not looking to inspire anyone or insult them. This is a blog about my progression toward getting my shit together so if i do i can look back a think "wow I was ratchet" or be like "wow I still am ratchet". But anyhow anyone who reads this go ahead and comment something or not..it's whatever. You can be my blog being if you want. That like a friend except we only hang out in thos blog...
 I don't know how long I'll keep this up and I'm not sure what or when I will post stuff but if you aren't bored come back and hang out in my twisted little mindscape again.

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